The Horizon's Eternal Sunshine
by toolezbionic
Summary: You can erase someone from your mind. Getting them out of your heart is a different story...
1. Eloisa to Abelard

**A/N; Alright, this story is actually based off of two different things. One is pretty easy to pick up on if you know the source, the other might be a little more difficult. If you know, try to keep it a secret until the next chapter when I give out the full summary. This chapter is kind of a prologue/chapter. I actually do plan on updating this one, since I now have a beta (thanks to Kim, aka joliepinkyswear over at LRO) who does wonders and will keep me on track. Final note, you will see Reid a lot more in future chapters, just need a few "set up" chapters before we get to that point. Just bare with me. Ah! Final FINAL note, time line will jump around a bit, but I will make it as clear as possible. Rant over! **

CHAPTER 1

**_"How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!  
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.  
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!  
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;  
Labour and rest, that equal periods keep;  
"Obedient slumbers that can wake and weep;"  
Desires compos'd, affections ever ev'n,  
Tears that delight, and sighs that waft to Heav'n.  
Grace shines around her with serenest beams,  
And whisp'ring angels prompt her golden dreams.  
For her th' unfading rose of Eden blooms,  
And wings of seraphs shed divine perfumes,  
For her the Spouse prepares the bridal ring,  
For her white virgins hymeneals sing,  
To sounds of heav'nly harps she dies away,  
And melts in visions of eternal day."  
~_**_"Eloisa to Abelard" by Alexander Pope_

December fifteenth, two thousand and ten, was the day that Luke skipped out on work for no other reason than to run off to Bryant Park and sit at one of the icy metal chairs pulled up to a small table. Despite the wool coat he had strapped tightly around three layers of clothes his body was shivering vigorously in the freezing New York winter. He really didn't care all that much. Luke just sat at that table for hours as his lips chapped and the cold air made it painful to keep his eyes opened. It was ridiculous, he knew that, and the more he tried to figure out why he was there, the more confused he got. The silence gave him no answers and the only thing that gave him any kind of purpose for being there was the small trinket that had been left at the table for him to find.

In his hand he gripped a chess piece, a black knight that had been carelessly left behind before he had gotten there. The entire time Luke had been sitting in the park had been spent staring at it noticing every detail that his eyes would allow. It was solid and carved neatly out of wood. The etchings held unique designs at the bottom and the black paint was bold and brilliant. Luke saw how the horse stood proud and fierce and a part of him wondered how anyone could abandon such a flawless piece of art. Then he figured that he must just be looking at it too closely and weighing in his concerns for this lonely black knight as a way to give his escape from life meaning.

Today was just so uncharacteristically irresponsible of Luke, and he couldn't explain why he did it. He just walked right into Grimaldi Shipping's NYC offices and then right back out to walk sixteen blocks until he arrived at this park. It was just some strange pull in his chest that lead him there and now that he saved this chess piece he felt that pull turn into more of a warming sensation. A part of Luke thought that this is was what he had been looking for, like this was his only achievement worthwhile in the past eleven months. The emptiness in his body had shrunk a little and it was only this little black knight that had that power over him.

For hours Luke was lost in the trance that the knight performed. People came and went around him, pigeons dared to pick at crumbs near his feet, but he didn't move. The only thing that was finally able to pull him back to earth was the irritating ring of the cell phone laying in his pocket. Luke jumped from the new distraction and then went to answer the call.

"Noah, hey!" He said as cheery as he could after seeing who was on his caller ID.

"Hey yourself. What are you doing right now?"

Luke looked around as if he had been caught skipping work, but when he realized that that was very unlikely he quickly considered if he wanted to tell the truth or not. "Uhhh, on my lunch break actually." After he said that he realized that he had absolutely no idea what time it was. He looked down at his watch and it read one fifteen.

"Oh! Well, if you still have time before you have to get back to work then how about having some coffee with me?" Noah excitedly offered.

Luke tried to talk through his confusion, but it was obvious with the stutter "Coffee? How-I mean…Noah? Are you in New York?"

"Yep. I actually came for a meeting with a screenwriter, but flew down a few days early to see if you wanted to get together."

"Yeah! Of course! Where do you wanna meet?" Luke said genuinely happy to hear that Noah was in the city. It had been weeks since he saw a familiar face.

"Where are you now?"

"Bryant Park."

"Perfect. I will pick us up some coffee and be there in ten. Starbucks okay? I already passed like ten of them."

"Starbucks is fine."

"You want your usual White Chocolate cappuccino?"

"Actually, you know what? I think that I am gonna change it up this time. How about a Caramel Latte, whipped cream, extra shot."

There was silence at Noah's end of the phone for a moment. He knew that order. He remembered associating it with anger every time he was forced to serve it to Reid whenever he stopped by at Java during one of Noah's shifts. As angry as he used to be, now he just felt concerned as he heard Luke's order. "Ummm, yeah sure. Whatever you want." He finally said. "Just entered the shop now, so I will be there shortly."

"Alright, thanks Noah."

After they hung up Luke threw his phone back into his pocket and looked around where he sat. He wasn't about to let himself get suckered into a trance again. He wanted to keep his mind focused and coherent because he didn't want to give Noah a reason to think that he was not okay. He came to New York lost and in need of something that wasn't Oakdale. Luke wanted Noah to believe that he found what he wanted in life, something more than just a chess piece.

So he looked up and took in his surroundings, trying to make himself as content and well adjusted as possible. It wasn't too difficult. Despite the brown slush that mucked up the sidewalk, there was a beautiful layer of untouched snow spread across the areas of grass and leafless trees. The sun shone down and reflected off of the snow in a way that was almost blinding, but still very beautiful. In the corner of his eye he saw someone at one of the other tables about ten feet away from him. It was a man, not much older than him, reading from what looked like some kind of journal. It looked like he was the only other one besides Luke who braved the cold long enough to actually sit down instead of walking through the park in a hurry to find someplace warm.

Luke wondered how long the stranger had been sitting there. The man's shoulder bad had been placed beside him, opened like he had been taking things in an out of it, and he seem to be absorbed in whatever it was that he was reading, kind of like Luke was with his chess piece. This however was a more normal thing to get lost into. His hair was dark and curly, falling down in front of his eyes, and he noticed a short patch of hair growing on his chin. He wasn't Luke's type at all. Too sullen in the "starving artist" sort of way . He supposed that it didn't really matter. He wasn't looking for any kind of eye candy anyway. Not at this point in his life; not with how he had been feeling. It was then when the guy looked up and stared directly at him, like he knew Luke was there all along. Like he was looking at him before Luke had ever noticed. His mouth was like stone, unmoving and cold, but there was some sort of expression in his eye that felt like he was actually smirking without the tug of his lips. It was intense, heart retching, and scary familiar.

Luke quickly looked down as the other man's stare unnerved him and he felt his eyes still glued to his back. Luckily Noah arrived with their coffees and posed as a well received distraction. Luke stood up, and after Noah placed the cups down, pulled him into a friendly hug. "Noah, you have no idea how good it is too see you."

"Same here." Noah said simply before he was released from Luke's hold on him and went to sit down. "I figured that I would see you later this month when I come down to Oakdale for Christmas, but when I found out I was flying out here I knew I had to make some time to see you."

"And I am glad you did. " Luke nodded as he grabbed the coffee, savoring the heat that his gloves failed to provide. "It's so weird to think that we are on opposite sides of the country instead of Oakdale where we could easily run into each other all the time." Saying that he stopped to take a sip of his drink when his eyes widened from his taste buds being attacked by a crazy amount of sugar. Holy fuck, this thing was sweet. "Hey how much do I owe you for the coffee?"

"What, are you kidding?" Noah chuckled. "It's my treat."

"Come on Noah, you are the one who is visiting. I should be the one paying for us." Luke offered.

"Yes, but I also hear that today is your first day back at Grimaldi Shipping. Think of it as celebratory coffee. That means, I pay."

Luke put up his hands in defeat "Alright, you win. But at least let me offer you a place to stay while you're here. It's the least I can do."

Noah bit his lip, taken aback a little bit by the offer. Part of him was a little uncomfortable with the idea, he was still struggling with moving on from Luke, but he saw the look of need in his eyes and there was really only one question he had to ask. "Luke, are you okay?"

Luke's smile faded. Was he really that easy to read, or does Noah just know him that well? As much as he would smile and try to stay up beat there must have been something un face that gave him away that seem to be easily picked up by him. "I'm fine" He replied unconvincingly.

"You don't have to be, you know. I mean you need to be able to take as much time as you need to be able to move on with your life. You don't need to pretend with me." He said as he placed a hand of comfort over Luke's.

"Move on? I don't have anything to move on from. Noah, if this is about us, I am honestly better about that."

Noah looked down at their clasped hands and then took his back. He had no idea why Luke would think that he was talking about their old relationship. "No. No, that's not it. I am sorry if I made it seem like this was all about me. I know that I have done that in the past, but I have been trying to change that. I just wish that I could have done it before he died. Maybe then I could have gotten past all the bitterness and thanked him properly."

"Died? Wait a minute. What exactly are we talking about here?" Luke asked, as his face contorted with confusion.

"Reid. Who else would I be talking about?"

"That depends. Who the hell is Reid?"

December fifteenth, two thousand and ten, may have been the day that he skipped out on work, but it was also the day where Luke Snyder forgot about Reid Oliver.


	2. The Con

**A/N: One of the things that this is based off of is Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. BEAUTIFUL movie. It's funny because I was watching some Van and Jake panel videos just recently (after I already started writing this) and they were asked "What movie makes you cry?" When Van said ESOTSM I flipped. The other inspiration to this story is an episode of Alias called "The Horizon". Wonderful episode (and series). It's the main character, Sydney, get's kidnapped and people from the KGB prob her memories to get some number in her head and she has to relive events with her dead fiance. Anyways, sorry for delayed update. Just know that it was all me and my beta (thanks to Kim, aka joliepinkyswear over at LRO and ESS) was very quick with her edits. I will TRY and update more frequently, but you never know with me. I WILL get this entire thing out there, though. I won't let it get forgotten.**

**

* * *

**

_"I listened in, yes I'm guilty of this  
You should know this  
I broke down and wrote you back before you had a chance to_

Forget forgotten, I am moving past this, giving notice  
I have to go, yes I know that feeling, know you're leaving  
Calm down, I'm calling you to say I'm capsized  
Erring on the edge of safe

Calm down, I'm calling back to say I'm home now  
And coming around, I'm coming around

Nobody likes to but I really like to cry  
Nobody likes me, maybe if I cry"   
**~"The Con" by Tegan and Sara**

_November 23__rd__, 2010_

Nearing the end of November, the autumn weather had already begun to shift into colder temperatures making Oakdale feel like winter was upon them. Luke watched as his favorite season faded. The bright and fiery trees filled with color had lost their leaves. They fell to the ground, turning brown and dead. It was a painful sight to see and he tried to hide from it, but he could only hole himself up in his room for so long. The fact that Thanksgiving was approaching gave him absolutely no comfort. If anything it just made him feel ten times worse and Luke didn't even think that was possible.

What was Luke supposed to be thankful for this year? The fact that the man he'd grown to love with all his heart was hit by a train, giving up his own heart for a man who didn't deserve it? The pain that it caused affected his entire life, bringing everything he was happy about into an unbearable state of depression. Being around his family felt like more like a chore because he had to pretend to be moving on and seeing the good things in life. This was the only way to keep them from walking on egg shells around him. It was like they were afraid that he was going to crack at any minute and, truth be told, he just might. But he couldn't let them worry about him anymore. He couldn't bring them down to his level. So he put on a happy face and feigned interest in the world around him. Nothing could tear him away from the memory of Reid though, or the fact that he would never be able to prove to him how much he loved him.

When he woke up earlier that morning his body was heavy and he couldn't open his eyes, couldn't see the empty space beside him. Luke knew that if things had been different, Reid would have been there. He would have given every part of himself to Reid months ago and they would have been to the point where falling asleep without each other wasn't something they ever planned on doing again. Now, when he opened his eyes all he could hope for was to fall back asleep and never wake up again. The only thought that Luke had in his head as he lay alone was that life was cruel and suffocating and he wasn't going to let anything else trick him into thinking otherwise. Throughout the 23 years of one emotional blow after another, Luke always wondered what it would take to finally break him. Now he knew. Now any hope that he ever had that things would get better was lost.

So, Luke remained on autopilot since the day he'd lost Reid. He never really felt any of the words that came from his mouth and kept himself close to his work as he pretended that it all still mattered. All that truly mattered was that Reid should be there, finishing the NeuroWing plans himself. Luke was distraught over the fact that this would never happen. Reid should have been where he belonged, and so should his heart. They should be with Luke, and not in the form of ashes scattered across the pond, but physically there for him to love and hold.

His mother wanted him to get out of the house, so she had given him a list of errands to do, all of which she could have done herself. She made a weak attempt at hiding her intentions, claiming that she had too much to do around the house. It was painfully obvious that it was nowhere near the truth. She has tried this a few other times. Really all she wanted was for him to go around town and hope that he would find something that could keep his mind off of his dead boyfriend. It hasn't worked so far.

After a walk that dragged on forever Luke finally wandered into Al's. He squinted as his eyes struggled to adjust to the horrible fluorescent lighting. He really had been hiding in his dark room for too long. He placed his family's order then turned, catching site of a familiar brunette sitting at her usual table. She must have felt his eyes on her because she looked up and smiled when she saw who it was. "Luke, hey! Come sit with me." Maddie waved him over.

Luke looked over toward the counter before deciding to walk over to his friend. He might as well, since it was going to take a while for the food. "Hi Maddie." He attempted a smile and pulled up a chair. "You here to celebrate Thanksgiving with Henry?"

"Yep. And, God help me, my new sister-in-law." She scrunched her nose as she added "It's still really weird to refer to Barbara Ryan as my sister."

Luke let out a soft chuckle "I can imagine."

"Yeah, well, I guess when you compare her to my other sisters you could call her a saint. At least she isn't a psychopathic serial killer, so I will take what I can get."

Luke continued to smile because he didn't know what else to do. He didn't really have the same interaction skills that he used to. Was he supposed to laugh? Extend the joke? Change the subject? He didn't know what he had to contribute to the conversation and that greatly had to do with the fact that he didn't think he could commit to a specific emotion. So he let silence fall over them.

A few moments past before Maddie noticed Luke's struggle, so she tried to save him. Wanting to cut to the chase, She brought up the one thing that Luke had no idea how to mention "Sooooooo…." She started, testing the waters to see if he would pick up on what she was about to say. She didn't want to force him to talk about anything he didn't want to. "I uhhh… I know that you have probably been getting this a lot, and it might be getting a little old, but I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry about Dr. Oliver."

"So you heard about that?" Luke asked in half question, half statement. It wasn't all that surprising that the news would have gotten to her. Being from a small town where you pretty much knew everyone, it was almost impossible to miss out on news like this, even if you lived states away.

"Yeah. I still talk with Noah through email and he filled me in. He explained how the two of you fell in love and that he died this past September."

Luke's eyes were cast downward, yet again thinking about how to respond. He honestly didn't expect Maddie to bring the subject up so directly. Everyone he crossed paths with would ask him how he was doing with a pressing stare. They would pretend like they weren't asking for any particular reason, but he knew they wondered if Reid's death was going push him over the edge. A part of him preferred this direct approach. It might have struck him hard, but at least it was honest. "I bet you're kind of surprised, huh? Me, falling in love with a guy like Reid Oliver?"

"Why do you think that would surprise me?"

"Cause it surprised just about everybody. They all thought I was crazy or something. I can tell that they think I'm crazy to still be mourning a guy that I only dated for two months. Like I'm making more out of our relationship then there really was.

Maddie shook her head "You were in love with the guy! You can't really make anything more out of it. And, personally I don't find it crazy at all that you ended up falling for him."

"Really?" Luke sat up a little straighter. He felt a small little spark in his chest and he didn't know what it was. Interest maybe? He didn't know. Lately, it had been so rare for him to find himself genuinely interested in what anyone had to say that he barely he barely recognized the feeling.

"Yeah. I never really got a chance to know the guy. I only ever saw him when I was dropping Noah off at an appointment. When I did see him, though, I… I don't know" She thought out loud while casually playing with the scrambled eggs on her plate. "He was just so straight forward. He didn't take any crap, and he honest. _Brutally _honest, sure. But honest none the less. I only have respect for a guy like that."

"You're one of only a few who feel that way. God, it's like…" He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Then his hands went straight up to rub his temples before opening his eyes again. "…if it weren't for people like me, or Katie, everyone would just see him as an organ donor. The reason Chris Hughes is alive."

"I'm sure that not everyone feels that way. It was a pretty heroic thing Reid did, to get the heart in the first place. I think a lot of people are trying to honor that."

"That's the thing!" Luke's voice rose slightly, clearly starting to get worked up, but then he held himself back. "I'm sorry it's just that everyone keeps saying that it was such a good thing what he did, like it was some kind of proof that he really was a good man after all. Th at somehow it justified his death. He didn't need to prove anything. Reid didn't care what anyone thought of him. People kept telling me that Reid gave Chris another chance and all I keep thinking is he should be here. His heart should be in his own chest where it belongs. He shouldn't be dead." Then he hung his head and softly said "Oh god, I sound so selfish."

Maddie immediately took Luke's hand and grasped it reassuringly. "No you don't. You sound completely human. Of course you feel that way. It doesn't mean that you want Chris to be dead. You just want the man that you love back." They sat for a moment. Luke didn't argue the point, but he didn't look back up either.

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"Saying 'the man you _love_' instead of 'the man you _loved_'. You seem to be the one who really understands it." Luke said, finally looking back into her eyes again. "I don't know. Maybe it's because you had almost no part in anything that happened with Reid. You have an outside perspective of the whole thing. All I do know is that you are the only one who has made me feel, not _better_, but not completely…"

"Hopeless?" Maddie finished his sentence and he nodded. "Yeah, well I know that this isn't the same thing at all, but I remember almost feeling that way back when Casey was sent to prison. Just because I couldn't see him or be with him, didn't mean that I didn't love him. Even after he broke up with me. But, you were there for me, so I'd like to try and return the favor."

"I appreciate that."

"What about your family? Haven't they been any help at all?"

"They try," Luke sighed "but for the most part they just make me feel guilty for not feeling better."

"How so?"

" At first they were really supportive, but as time went on they just assumed that I would get over it. Like I said, some people don't understand why I fell in love him in the first place. They think that moving on from Reid should be easier than moving on from someone like Noah. They look at me like I'm lost and they have no idea why or how to fix it. It makes what I am feeling that much worse. So, lately I've just been attempting to put on a happy face hoping that everyone will be better off."

"So you just wallow in the pain by yourself?"

"Pretty much."

Left hand still holding Luke's right, Maddie held up her other one to rest her chin on. "Well, if I remember correctly, sulking doesn't make anyone feel at all better. You told me yourself that the tears are fine."

Luke smiled slightly as he thought back on the memory. "I remember that night. Prom, right?" Maddie nodded with a 'mmmhmmm' "We were sitting at this exact same table. I was pining for Kevin from afar, and you were making those little videos with your phone to send to Casey. It was so funny to watch you whip that thing out every five minutes."

"Hey! No making fun!" She said defensively, but stopped when she saw the corners of Luke's mouth tug upward. "Well, maybe it's worth it if I can get you to smile."

It was a genuine smile. That had only happened once or twice in the past two and a half months. Luke held it for few more seconds until his face fell again. "It's just weird to think about how much has changed."

"Well, life might have changed, but I don't think the advice should. Luke, you can't worry about what your family thinks of the way you mourn. To hell with them! You already do more than most people would for your family, but now it is time to do something for yourself. If that means crying then you'd better cry your eyes out. Do whatever it is you can to…" She sighs, trying to look for the words. "…not get over it, because I don't think anyone ever gets over something like this, but find a way to be alright with your life so you can be happy one day. But you are never going to get there if you internalize everything." Then Maddie winced "Oh god, that was so horribly cliché."

"But true." Luke offered.

"Yes, it's definitely true. Now do it, 'cause it works. Just don't do anything like, jump off a bridge, or have your memory erased."

Luke furrowed his brow at that. "Have my memory erased? It that even a thing?"

"It totally is! I had a friend that went to some clinic in New York. They do a procedure on your brain to make forget one specific person, like you've never even met them."

"I really doubt that's even possible."

_December 15__th__, 2010_

"Ummm, Noah. Why are you looking at me like that?"

Across the table from Luke, Noah stared at him, looking like he had been slapped in the face with a fish. His jaw dropped and he really had no idea what to say. "How do expect me to look at you when you ask a question like that?"

"Not like that" he chuckled humorlessly. "Maybe you can just answer my question and your face will go back to normal."

"Okay, this is a joke right? You aren't actually serious when you say that you don't know who Reid Oliver is?"

Luke's eyes widened as he leaned in a little closer Noah. "I don't have any idea what you're talking about. I have never met or heard of a man that goes by that name. At least, not that I am aware of."

Noah studied Luke's eyes and searched for any sign that he was just messing with him. All he saw were his brown iris', still and growing with curiosity and a hint of worry. "You know, _Dr. Oliver_? You blackmailed him so he would come to Oakdale and perform the surgery to restore my sight?" Luke honestly didn't know what Noah was talking about. What the hell was going on with him? "Come on Luke! He ended up being your boyfriend!"

"My boyfriend?" Luke face twisted more and more as Noah talked, and looked at Noah like he thought he was crazy. "Noah, are you okay? Because you are really starting to freak me out."

"_I'm _freaking _you_ out?" Noah exclaimed accusingly. "I think it's the other way around. Look, you remember that I was blind, right?"

"Of course. It was pretty hard to miss."

"Then explain to me how you could forget Reid then?" he said, still not fully convinced that Luke wasn't just pulling his leg.

Luke was just as uncertain about Noah, which was clear by the tone of his voice."I don't know!"


End file.
